I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
