Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
