Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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