i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
