btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
