She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
