If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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