i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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