and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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