Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
