Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
