I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
