i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
