Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
