i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
