im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
