She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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