Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
