someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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