This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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