I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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