life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
