it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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