Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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