just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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