I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
