mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize