I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
