woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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