Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
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I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
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I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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