Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
