i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
