Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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