They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
