Umm I'm too high to move.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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