what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
