I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
