He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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