You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
