she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
