I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
