sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.