i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
