I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
