bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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