The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
