In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
