Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
