it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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