omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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