that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
