I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
