Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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