dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
