One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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