Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
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well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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