Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
