well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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