What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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