he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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