tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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