He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
